Rejected States Mottos
Le Notre Père version politically correct
Why Americans shouldn't be allowed to travel

Rejected States Mottos

(Intraduisibles)

Carte des Etats américains

ALABAMA:
Literacy ain't everything.
Ya want fries with dat ?
ALASKA:
Come, freeze your butt off.
ARIZONA:
Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds.
ARKANSAS:
At least we're not Mississippi.
CALIFORNIA:
The Granola State Nobody's actually from here.
Fast reloading lanes available.
The really long state.
COLORADO:
Too wimpy to cross the mountains
so we stopped here.
Official home of the winter ski bunny.
CONNECTICUT:
Way too close to New York.
DELAWARE:
You'll need a map to find us.
So close to Washington you can smell it.
FLORIDA:
The Sunshine State Elephant Graveyard;
where the old Republicans go to die.
Senior citizen discounts available.
Come, enjoy the humidity.
The snow capital of the US.
GEORGIA:
Home of the Rednecks.
Gateway to Florida.
Confederate money welcome.
HAWAII:
Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over.
Book 'em Danno.
Tom Selik, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise!
Come, get lai-ed.
IDAHO:
Ain't nothing here.
We don't care if you spell potato with an "e".
Land of a billion "eyes".
ILLINOIS:
Land of the voting dead.
Gateway to Iowa
INDIANA:
Home of David Letterman
IOWA:
Just east of Omaha.
It's easy to spell.
KANSAS:
Hayfever capital of the Midwest.
Dole slept here.
There's no place like home.
Ya want flat, we got flat.
KENTUCKY:
Tobacco is a vegetable.
We're all related.
Gateway to Nashville.
LOUISIANA:
Swim the beautiful Bayou.
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt you.
MAINE:
For Sale.
You can spit on Canada from here.
MARYLAND :
If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us.
MASSACHUSETTS:
Home of the young girls from Nantucket, also the home of Ted Kennedy, hmmmm...
MICHIGAN:
Land of the free, home of the Buick.
MINNESOTA:
Not Sweden, but we try to act like it.
Sure beats Canada.
Land of 10,000 Flakes.
MISSISSIPPI:
We're lucky we can spell it.
Why would you want to come here?
MISSOURI:
Gateway to Kansas.
Here's mine, Show Me yours.
We're better than Illinois.

MONTANA:
Land of the Big Sky, and very little else.
We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods.
It's where you're wanted.
At least our cows are sane.
NEBRASKA:
More corn than Kansas.
Go to Kansas, turn north.
NEVADA:
More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too).
2 words - Death Valley
3:5 you'll leave broke.
We have our own nuclear testing site.
NEW HAMPSHIRE:
Like Old Hampshire, only newer.
About as exciting as Vermont.
NEW JERSEY:
You have the right to remain silent, You have the right to an attorney...
Tell 'em Guido sent ya.
NEW MEXICO:
Lizards make excellent pets.
We have reservations
Alien Welcome Center - Roswell
NEW YORK:
At least we're not New Jersey!
We're more than a big city; we're a state.
Like we CARE about a motto.
English spoken here; sometimes.
NORTH CAROLINA:
Five million people; Fifteen last names.
We're bigger than South Carolina.
NORTH DAKOTA:
The OTHER South Dakota.
OHIO:
Don't judge us by Cleveland.
Proud polluters of Lake Erie.
We're easy to spell.
OKLAHOMA:
We're OK, you're NOT!
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto.
OREGON:
As pretty as California but not as weird.
We're not named after a musical instrument.
You can see the sunset from here.
PENNSYLVANIA:
Cook with coal.
Free lube job with oil change.
RHODE ISLAND:
Size ain't everything.
Nobody famous came from Rhode Island.
SOUTH CAROLINA:
Just south of North Carolina.
SOUTH DAKOTA:
Closer than North Dakota.
TENNESSEE:
The Educashun State.
Thank goodness we've still got Elvis.
A great fixer-upper.
TEXAS:
Si Hablo Ingles.
See, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!
UTAH:
Our Jesus is better than your Jesus.
At least our sheep can't talk.
VERMONT:
Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns.
VIRGINIA:
Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!
WASHINGTON:
We like our state, so STAY OUT!
WEST VIRGINIA:
Where "family values" has a different meaning.
WISCONSIN:
Land of funny accents.
Say "Cheeeese".
WYOMING:
Where men are lonely and sheep are scared.

Politically Correct Prayer for the 90's

(Oui, ça date)

Our patriarchal authority,
Who resides in an extra-terrestrial cyberdomain,
Celebrated are your proprietary trademarks.
Your ethnically diverse global village arrives,
Whose collective best interests be served,
In the terra firma domain,
as well as the celestial.
Nutritionally subsidize us at appropriate intervals
and grant full immunity unto us (though we are totally innocent of all charges)
For ours is the interconnected global economy,
the personal fulfillment, and the self actualization.
Just do it!

Why Americans should never be allowed to travel

Drapeau américain

En attente de traduction

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:
- I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
- A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
- I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts."
Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
- A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
- I got a call from a man who asked,
"Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said,
"No." He said
"But they look so close on the map."
- Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said,
"I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
- A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

- A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said,
"No, why do you ask?"
She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?"
After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

- I just got off the phone with a man who asked,
"How do I know which plane to get on?"
I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied,
"I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

- A woman called and said,
"I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes."
I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said,
"Yeah, whatever."

- A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said,
"Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

- A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with,
"I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere."
The customer retorted,
"Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered,
"You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"
"That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"